Keep Your Lies To Yourself

We’ve all been told from grade school that lying is wrong and we shouldn’t do it, but as we grow older lying becomes so common.  From the simple, “That haircut is adorable!” to the more complex and devastating “I love you,” lies are a part of being an adult.

Or are they?  Are we not reverting back to our adolescence before we knew the difference between right and wrong or do we just accept that making up stories is a part of life?

I believe everyone deserves the courtesy of the truth and I strive to be honest.  Unfortunately, I am not always the most tactful person.  I have blurted out my honest opinion when avoiding the question would have been the nicer option.  Sometimes, I just can’t help it.

The truth can hit you like a slap in the face, but the sting of a lie lingers long after the initial shock is gone.  When the realization that you have been lied to sets it, everything changes.  You question everything.  Analyze each moment.  Doubt the truth.  Hell, you doubt yourself.

A friend of mine recently posted something on Facebook that got me thinking. It said, “You know the only thing that’s worse than being lied to is knowing you weren’t good enough for the truth.”

Why would an intelligent and creative person believe that they were the one who was not good enough?

The fact of the matter is, people are good enough for the truth; liars are not good enough people to be honest.  Sure, they hide behind the veil of “I just didn’t want to hurt you” because they know that the truth is not something you want to hear.  And the closer the person is to you, the more the lie hurts.

I had the unfortunate experience of discovering someone had lied to me.  It was humiliating.  I feltfeel like a complete idiot.  Especially because I should have fucking known better.

I had been spending a lot of time with this guy.  Things were great.  We had some fun weekends of hanging out and just being ourselves.  It helped that we had known each other for years so there was none of that awkward getting-to-know-you period.  He introduced me to his hobbies, I introduced him to my friends.  We just were and it was nice.

I wasn’t entirely sure what was going.  When he started kissing me and acting like he wanted something more from our friendship, I allowed my feelings to develop and slowly took the wall down though the boundaries remained.  Thank goodness for intuition!

I thought something was potentially developing though I knew that I was breaking a few of my own personal dating rules, but for the first time in a long while, I threw caution to the wind and decided to just see where things went.

Things went nowhere.

Weeks into our whatever-you-call-it, I received a text message announcing that I was his best friend, but that he was just not ready for a relationship.

Oh, hell no!  No “friend” of mine is going to handle things like that through a text message.  For the first time in my life, I demanded to know what the hell happened.  And I wanted an explanation in person.

Over a lunch I could barely stomach, he told me a variety of things: “I’m not ready for a relationship,” “I don’t want to ruin our friendship,” and “I don’t want to have to choose between my hobbies and a relationship” (not that I was asking him to).

I called bullshit.

I told him that these were all excuses, that he had used me, and that all I needed was a “I’m just not that into you.”  Jeez, is that so hard?!  I’m totally fine with someone telling me that they are not interested in me romantically.  It’s clear and it’s something I can accept.  Shelling out an “I just want to be friends for now” implies hope that something could develop later.  He insisted that he was just not ready for a relationship with anyone, that I shouldn’t look at it as him using me, and that he gave me reasons, not excuses, as to why he didn’t want to pursue a relationship with me.

I accepted that he was not ready to be in a relationship.  Ok, I guess we would try this “friend” thing again.  Things would be a little strange—I do not stay friends with people I was romantically involved with—but I would try to make it work.  We had kept things private between us, so I guess his rejection would be private too.  After all, no reason to further prove that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that I had been completely embarrassed to think he was capable of one.

A month later, he was in a relationship.

To say that I was upset is an understatement.  Though I am completely glad that he rejected me because I know a relationship with him would not have been successful at all, I am still pissed that he didn’t have the balls to just tell me that he was interested in someone else.  If I was his best friend, didn’t I deserve the truth?

After you have been lied to, you have a hard time looking at a person the same way.  I feel duped, like I never really knew the kind of person that he was/is.  Even now, I have a hard time looking at him.  When I receive a text message, I have no desire to respond.  When he comments on Facebook, I roll my eyes.  I have grown apathetic to someone I once considered a friend and no longer feel like I can trust him.

The aftermath of a lie lasts longer the pain of the truth.  Everything changes and nothing will ever be the same.  No amount of “I’m sorry” will ever make things right.  Trust is broken.  Friendships are tested.

Give people the courtesy of the truth.  Be honest.

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Don't let me do all the blogging, join in the conversation. Otherwise, I just feel like I'm talking to myself...

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