Yes, it’s happened again. I’ve been dismissed via text message.
Yet this time, I wasn’t hurt in the least. In fact, I actually felt a little more like the guy in the relationship having to deal with the crazy chick who got too clingy too fast.
It has been roughly two weeks since my last date with Kermie—a fun day of hiking, dinner, and dancing to the sounds of the 80’s played by my favorite cover band, the Spazmatics—and since I still wasn’t feeling the urge to rip his clothes off in the heat of passion (and shouldn’t I after nearly a month of dating?), I decided not to contact him first. If he contacted me, I would of course respond, but I would not be making the initial move. Why pursue something that I wasn’t really interested in?
I figured he felt the same way because a week later, I still hadn’t heard from him. I felt relieved that I didn’t have to do the whole “I’m just not that into you” spiel and went back to my life. I guess I should have just put on my big girl underwear, as the Fonz likes to say, and been upfront with him, but I decided to puss out like so many guys before me have done.
I had all but forgotten about Kermie until two days ago when I received a I’m-rejecting-you-before-you-reject-me text.
It was a nice text, citing lack of eye contact for one hour of our nearly 12-hour date and forced chemistry as the reasons he didn’t want to pursue anything more. He said he was sorry that it didn’t work out, but assumed I felt the same way as he hadn’t heard from me since that night.
I immediately pictured him sitting at home with a pint of ice cream staring at the phone expecting it to come to life with a new text from me and going through every moment of our dates trying to figure out why I hadn’t contacted him.
I know I have a strong personality and am pretty good at taking the lead, but damnit, I’m the woman here! I have been the dominant one in relationships before and it’s never worked out. I’m not going to be the hunter in a relationship anymore; I am looking to be hunted. I need a strong and dominant man to take the lead.
Rather than not give Kermie the closure he seemed to so desperately need, I responded. I thanked him, told him that he was right and I didn’t feel any chemistry. I said that I thought differences in our values would not make us a successful couple in the long run and wished him the best of luck in the future.
Then he wanted specific reasons.
I was flabbergasted. I had never had anyone ask me why I wasn’t interested before. I immediately started typing out the reasons I wasn’t attracted to him, but thought that would be a little mean. After all, you can only change so much about looks and really that was just a very small part of why I didn’t think things would work between us.
I was honest, but tried to soften the blows. I told him that I just didn’t feel a romantic connection, but since he wanted specific examples, I laid them out for him. I mentioned that because he lied on his Match profile about insignificant details, I worried about what he would lie about in the future. I advised him to wait for a woman to get in her home before driving away and that his disregard for traffic laws (blatantly running red lights, tail-gating, and getting up to 90mph on the on-ramp) made me feel unsafe. I explained that I didn’t think he was a bad guy for any of this, but that he just wasn’t the guy I was looking for. I followed up that text with a much kinder message saying how glad I was to have met him, that I really did have a fun time getting to know him, what a fantastic person he was, and that he would make some gal very happy.
I have not heard from him since.
I have to admire his courage to question what my reasons were. I—and I’m sure many other women—have wondered what went wrong when guys haven’t called, but we’ve always been told that asking is precisely why men think we’re crazy. I didn’t have to tell him anything, but I wanted to because I would want someone to do that for me if I asked.
I felt bad that I had to put it all out there, but hey, don’t ask the question if you can’t handle the answer.