Inspired by the ever-intuitive Rian over at Truth and Cake, I have been encouraged to jump off the proverbial bloggers’ bridge and be 100% vulnerable by sharing something deeply personal. But before I do that, allow me to
gather the courage share why I’m baring my heart and soul like this.
Rian’s post really made me think about what I want to achieve on Defining Wonderland. It’s hard to just put a blog into a box and be completely sure of the messages you want your readers to take away from your posts. I want my Wonderlings to be amused, inspired, encouraged, and comforted by the stories I share and the questions I pose. Now, I doubt all of that will be accomplished in each and every post, but I hope to at least keep folks coming back for more. I accept that some posts may be good, some may be great, and plenty others will probably bore you to tears, but that is the risk every writer must take. It’s a rather solo endeavor, this blog-keeping, but I don’t feel as though I’m alone with all of you out there commenting and posting on your own blogs. It’s encouraging and keeps me going when my creativity and motivation take a nosedive.
Ok, I think I’ve stalled long enough. The truth is…
I am terrified that I will end up alone because I am afraid to let anyone close enough to hurt me.
I have been single for over five years now and my last relationship was three years’ worth of feeling like I was never good enough because I was with someone who didn’t want to be with me. Sure, he said he did, but his actions told me that he felt anything but. I tried everything in my power to be the perfect girlfriend and it still wasn’t enough; I couldn’t make him love me.
Now I have learned a lot in the years I have been single. I have discovered what I will and will not put up with. I know that I need to be both respected and loved in a relationship and that communication is everything. I have patiently waited for Mr. Right without settling for Mr. Right Now.
I have read countless articles and books and watched hours of television all offering love advice. I’ve put up boundaries and followed the “rules” set forth by the Millionaire Matchmaker. I tried Plenty of Fish. No luck. I spent a year on Match.com where I emailed dozens of guys (with seldom a response, I might add) and met approximately five guys. Five guys. In a year.
They weren’t bad guys. The last one was actually perfect, but I just didn’t feel that special spark with him or any of the others. There were no butterflies in my stomach, no sweaty palms, no quickening of breath, no racing heart rate, nothing. Part of me thinks it was my own inner demon sabotaging my happiness and putting up a block with each of these guys so I won’t get hurt again. Part of me wonders if I’m just meant to be one of those people who everyone asks, “You’re so great! Why are you still single?” God, what an awful question to ask someone.
Regardless of my own doubts, there is still a hopeful part of me that thinks that maybe I will find the person that will make me feel everything that people in love say they feel. Fireworks, wholeness, passion. I hear and read stories of couples meeting by chance, meeting through blind dates, meeting through dating sites and I think, “Hey, maybe some day I’ll have a story like that to share.” I would love to have one of those anecdotes that makes others smile and pull their loved ones a little closer with the shared knowledge that they met in their own special way too. At the end of the day, I can allow my fears and doubts to consume me or I can remain hopeful and make that my focal point.
I choose hope.
It’s harder to keep pursuing a goal that seems so impossible to reach at times, but those are the goals with the biggest rewards. It’s difficult to put into words how lonely I feel at times and how much I want a man to just pop up out of the blue and be the guy for me, but life doesn’t always happen that way. It can take a while to get back on your feet and push through times of uncertainty. There is nothing wrong with taking a different course than others. There are bumps along the way and you can feel like you’re never going to find what you want, what you need. I sincerely hope that each of you find the perfect mate to go through life with, have children (if you like), and live the fullest of lives in whatever definition you choose.
I don’t feel better or worse about my revelation, but I do feel real. There is no weight lifted from my shoulders, but there is something to be said about making yourself vulnerable.
And maybe that’s the key.