Dudes Do And Dudes Don’t

After yesterday’s post, we all know the characteristics that define a Dude.

Dudes cover the ‘do. The Fonz, circa 1990’s.

Now, we get into specific behaviors.  We already understand that “Dudes don’t zumba” and “Dudes dig boobs,” but there is so much more to learn about this strange code of Dudeism.  Day 4 of Mentor Spotlight Week explores some of the rules of Dudeism.

Dudes don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, The Bachelor(ette), or chick flicks unless they are trying to get laid.

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I’ve referenced a show or movie and the Fonz rolls his eyes at me with that undeniable look that screams, “Oh dear God, why is my Mento a chick?”  He practically kicked me out of his office when I told him that I was attending the midnight showing of the last Twilight film with a few of my gal pals (I swear it was their idea—I would never have offered up a midnight showing of one of those unintentionally hilarious movies).  However, according to the Dude, the only times that a Dude will subject himself to watching an episode of Real Housewives of any given city is because he has one thing on the brain: getting into your pants.  Apparently, Dudes will subject themselves to just about anything if they think they have a shot at getting laid.  Unfortunately, once a Dude is having sex on a regular basis has secured a mate, you can expect to see his willingness to indulge in a Meg Ryan marathon severely diminished.

Dudes eat junk food.

It is a fact universally accepted that a man of any means will desire crappy food that comes from a drive-thru window or convenience store.  Greasy cheeseburgers, overstuffed burritos, and anything made by Hostess are all on a Dude’s nutritional pyramid.  However, a Dude is still a Dude if he eats the occasional vegetable as long as a daily serving of a kind of food that Dr. Oz would shun is consumed.  If it’s covered in cheese, hot sauce, chocolate fudge, or bacon, a real Dude will eat every bite off of his plate.  And there will be room for seconds.

Dudes don’t wear Garanimals.

A week or so ago, I stumbled upon a ranting mentor going off about a couple he had seen wearing coordinated outfits.  He said that the guy wore a shirt that read “To Infinity” while his girl wore a shirt that said “And Beyond” with the same colors.  I thought it was kind of funny, but the Fonz was appalled that a fellow Y-chromosome would stoop to such a level.  He instantly declared, “Dudes don’t wear Garanimals.”  Since I have no children of my own, I had no idea what Garanimals were and had to look it up.  Turns out, it is a children’s clothing line that makes it easy for children to select an outfit by matching the symbols on the hang tags of each separate.  A star shirt and star shorts go together.  A star shirt and square shorts do not.  Makes sense if you’re boy of three or four, not so much if you’re man in your 20’s or 30’s.

Dudes procrastinate.

When it came time for the Fonz’s guest post, I became increasingly anxious as the days got closer and closer and I had not seen the fruits of his labor.  He kept assuring me that he would have it done in time for Mentor Spotlight Week, but I started to worry that I would have to come up with a new idea for that day if he didn’t come through.  I had thought of my daily topics weeks ago and left him to his own devices for his guest post.  If he didn’t get me his piece in time, I would have to not only try to think of something to fill the day, but rearrange my schedule of posts.  Finally, I got the article on Monday and was completely relieved.  It wasn’t that he wouldn’t get it done; it was that he was going to take his sweet time doing it.  The best part was, the final product was exactly what I hoped for and I still had a day to give it a final edit.

Dudes don’t play hard to get.

I am not the only female who is dumbfounded when it comes to the opposite sex and my dear friend Rose frequently emails me asking for the Fonz’s advice.  Yesterday, I was told to ask whether or not guys play hard to get.  The simple response was “no,” but I pressed for more.  According to my mentor, if a man is playing hard to get it’s because 1) he is truly not that interested in you the first place or 2) he is using you to stroke his ego.  A real Dude goes after what he wants and does not make a woman do all the work for the sake of making himself feel like a Dude.  They very act of trying to feel like a Dude proves that one was never really a Dude to begin with.

Who knew being a Dude was so complicated?

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