Sometimes I feel that my life is just not going at the speed I want it to. I’m sure this is a familiar feeling for most people, but I find it entirely irritating, completely frustrating, and utterly annoying. I guess it all comes down to the fact that my life never goes at the speed I want it to.
You see, I am a planner. You may have gathered from my other posts that I am a fan of order and I like to know what’s what. To me, spontaneity is having 24-hours notice. I am known for staying true to my commitments—I recently had to back out of a snowboarding trip with Popeye when I found out I wouldn’t be able to make Hawkeye’s birthday festivities, an event I have never missed in the years of our friendship—no matter how much my inflexibility bothers my friends and family. I’ll stick to it. I am a Taurus born in the Year of the Ox. We’re talking extremely stubborn here.
As you can imagine, my current state of 20-something-ness is driving me crazy: I don’t know what direction my life is going and it scares the hell out of me. There are so many things that I want to do in the coming years and uncertainty does not make for easy planning.
Not that it stops other people.
I recently read an article in Marie Claire that boggled my mind. More and more women are planning their weddings without a proposal or, get this, even a man in their life. I’m sure if I was one of those chicks who dreamed of a big white wedding with every detail the epitome of perfection, I would probably be in this club. On second thought, probably not.
There are things in life that I just don’t feel ready for. At 26, I know that I am not where I would like to be to settle down and start a family. I have yet to see Greece or even owned a pet of my own. I have only been in my own place sans roommates or parents for a few years. Part of my life felt like it was put on hold as I studied in college and grad school leaving me behind in my life where so many of my peers are ahead of me in the family realm.
Of the friends that I casually keep in contact with from high school, I am the only one—the only one!—who is not in a relationship/engaged/married with/without children. Luckily for me, I am less of an abnormal statistic when it comes to my college friends. Only two of my friends from college are married, one is engaged, and none have children. Whew!
I got the fantastic news today that one of my dear friends is expecting a baby. I am completely thrilled for her because I have never known anyone who has longed to be a mother as much as she has and she’s going to be damn good at it. While telling me her glorious news, she said that she and her husband conceived after she stopped worrying about it and just let nature take its course. I only wish I could be comfortable with letting things happen that way.
People always tell me that you fall in love when you’re not expecting it. I have been single for over five years and it can be entirely unsettling to see those around you fall in love at the drop of a hat while you keep going on first date after first date hoping one of these will lead to something meaningful.
In the time that I have not been in a relationship, I have been to engagement parties, weddings, baby showers, and watched relationships buckle under life’s pressures. I’ve acted as therapist, baby-sitter, party planner, and secondary spouse and as happy as I am to celebrate in other people’s milestones, I often wonder: when will it be my turn?
And I can’t help feeling guilty about that.
I know I’m not ready to settle down in the traditional sense, but I would love to find someone who would at least want to with me and who I want to be with as well.
What can I say? It’s hard to be the last single girl.